I think that it's hard to believe that I'm a sinner. Ok yeah, I know. I don't hold up to God's standards... when I look at the 10 commandments, give or take, I've broken a few. Or all. And to read in Romans that "all of sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." makes me go "Oh. Well, ok then. I'll deal with that."
But to call myself a sinner? No way. Isn't it a little bit unfair to describe me BY my sinning? Isn't it a little brash to jump to the conclusion that sin is the biggest contributing factor to my life? That's ridiculous.
I guess I've been looking deep into my life... and taking a good look at who I am... and trying to realize just what Jesus died for. I mean... I believe that, yeah?
Hi. I'm Herman Lee. I was born in Phoenix, Arizona. I was a straight-A student... until 6th grade... at which time I became a straight A, B, and C student. I got spanked a lot as a kid... and deserved probably 98% of them. To most people, I'm very even-keeled and never lose my temper... but I have anger issues that only my best friends really know about and understand. I've always been good at a lot of things... but never great. I guess I never had the drive. I love kitchen gadgets and expensive, useless things. My favorite snack in the world is a Nestle Drumstick. I would do a lot of things for a Klondike bar, but would rather just buy one and save the time.
I am incredibly judgmental, even though I do my best to hide it. I love homeless people. I feel like sometimes they understand me better than my friends. Sometimes, I really would just rather be alone. People can't hurt me that way. I can't hurt people that way.
I am a sinner.
That's kind of hard to type. Let alone say out loud. But I am. There's no way around it. Ugh. It's such a disgusting way to describe myself.. and it feels a little bit excessive.
When I read through the Bible... the stories, the people, the miracles, the encouragement, the advice... it all points to one thing: Love love love. And it's like... God keeps reminding me "I love you. I love you so much, Herman."
But I ask "Why? Why, God, why?" Does He know who I am? Does he know what I've done? Does He know that I'm probably going to do it AGAIN no matter WHAT He tells me?
He does.
But here's the thing: if I never understand my sin, I could never understand why He loves me.
He doesn't love me because of my beauty (as remarkable as it is). He doesn't love me because of my guitar-playing skills. He doesn't love me because of my degree or my job... or my efforts to be popular, trendy, or cool. He doesn't love me in SPITE of my sin. He's already forgotten it.
He loves me because He is God. It has NOTHING to do with me. It's all about Him. He loves because He IS love... because He doesn't choose to pour out his love on me... His love pours out from him. It's not a choice. It's not a flip of a coin, a percentage system, a grade-scale. His love pours out from Him.
So to recognize that I am a sinner... is unbearable. But to recognize that God's love will continue with or without me... unbelievable. Unbelievable... and revolutionary.
It changes everything.
The Lord is Love.
Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart... His wounds have payed my ransom.
It's funny just looking at the word. It's fitting. The word itself, written in English, just looks... well,... beautiful.
Beauty is such an enigma, isn't it? It causes men to become great knights and warriors who climb to the highest peaks to fight for it, yet it is also the cause of their ruins when they are not careful with it. When had, it causes women to be the princess that every prince wants to win, yet when out of grasp, can cause the same wonderful woman to degrade herself to disgust or disease.
Beauty is most often thought of as a physical trait, but is believed to be able to penetrate the inner-person. Some may say, even, that when beauty starts on the inside, it has the ability to be seen on the outside.
Beauty in words can cause millions to rally behind their leader, yet can be the driving force of deceit and evil when accepted too quickly.
Beauty has never had a consensus. While some may find the petals of a flower to be the epitome of beauty, some may look at a spider web and realize the beauty in its intricacy. Some may look at a large canvas painted black as a work of art, bringing it life with every stroke of the brush, while others will remark of its lack of value.
As the old cliche goes, beauty belongs in the "eye of the beholder", does it not?
But the one factor that embeds itself in the soul of beauty... is that it is wanted. And so I come to this point where I am trying to understand the gravity of it.
As people, we have this innate need to LOVE beauty. Whether it be a beautiful person, a beautiful work of art, or a book of beautiful words, there is something about it that we can't get enough of. But is that all we want? Just the beauty?
I see all of my friends with these... extraordinary quotes written on their AIM away messages or in their profiles. These quotes are so immaculately written. They're the ones that give you goosebumps while you read them... the ones where you have to take a deep sigh at the end just to ponder upon it. They might talk about the awesomeness of God, the power of love, the need for righteousness, or whatever it may be. But I always think to myself... do they even CARE what it says... or is it up there because they love the way it sounds? Does it make them go, "Wow, this changes EVERYTHING" or does it make them go, "Wow that was pretty." Because we can read ALL of the most beautiful quotes in the world... we can believe EVERY word of it... we can sit there and be awestruck by words on a page... OR we can be transformed by the power of their meaning. Are we simply romanced by the idea of beauty... or are we changed by the passion behind the beauty?
See, God is the SAME WAY. There is no DOUBT in my mind that God is beautiful. There is no doubt in my mind that God is more beautiful than any sunset I've ever stared at, than any girl I've ever seen, than any painting I've ever laid eyes on. But to gaze upon GOD'S beauty? To come in CONTACT with God's beauty? That should be life-altering, shouldn't it?
But what is this horrible misunderstanding about beauty that draws us to look at God, listen to His words... and go, "Wow, God is amazing! Ok, now on with life."? What is it that causes us to HEAR what God is saying to us, yet completely disregard the way it speaks to our hearts?
What is it that causes us to go to church on Sunday mornings to hear a sermon that knocks us to our knees and wells up tears in our eyes... then walk straight out the door like it meant nothing? What an incredible waste of time!
I mean, are we just romanced by the IDEA of God? Do we think of God as just a weekly flutter in our hearts... as simple beauty that makes our heart beat faster when we're near it, but ultimately comes and goes with the wind?
Or are we transformed by the power of who He is?
Because His beauty changes everything.
One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4
Ok I know I haven't posted anything in a while... and this entry is going to be pointless... =D .... they've done it AGAIN! The latest installment of learning ingrish!
So I was playing guitar and worshipping this morning... and I started singing this song... and there was something I remember writing in my xanga about it so I thought I'd repost it. I've actually been contemplating this a LOT in my life for the last few months... I mean, at any given moment of time in my life... if someone were to take a look at me, what image would I be giving of who Christ is? How much do I slander His name every day by my actions? Here's the repost:
"You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God..."
This is my desire: to honor You. Lord, with all my heart, I worship You. All I have within me, I give you praise. All that I adore is in You.
Lord, I give You my heart, I give You my soul I live for You alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake Lord, have Your way in me.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about how worship leaders tend to lead the Church to be complete liars. They lead people to sing things that they don't believe, pray things they don't mean, and vow things they never mean to keep. I, being a worship leader, know that I have done exactly this.
And as I led worship last night at my seminary, we sang the song shown above... and I couldn't help but think... not only am I leading people to lie themselves, but am I standing in front of a group of people and more importantly in front of my God... and boldly lying to their face?
I ask myself... is this really my desire? In EVERYTHING... WITH everything I have... to honor the Lord? Do I REALLY want God to have His way in me? I mean... that is an INSANELY scary thing to pray. To REALLY die to myself and say to God, "Ok, God... ANYTHING. ANYTHING you want to do with my life. I give up ALL of my dreams, my hopes, my goals, my aspirations, my loves, my wants, my longings... EVERYTHING. I give it all up, I empty MYSELF, and I want YOU to do whatEVER you WANT with me."
Can I honestly SAY that I want that? Do I desire to be NOTHING but God's?
And as I come more and more to realize that by calling myself a Christian... forget being a pastor, minister, or leader... by saying that "I AM A CHRISTIAN", I am letting GO of WHO I AM... and PUTTING ON the NAME OF CHRIST. I mean... how crazy is that?? To lose MY name and my own IDENTITY... and to put on the NAME of this almighty, all-powerful being...
It's like being God's draft pick... and coming to play for His team, and putting on this jersey that says "Christ" on it. I mean... if it were a Suns jersey and they told me that THEY wanted ME to come play on their team, I would be like "WHOA... I mean the jersey is cool and all, but there is NO WAY I could play on the team! I'd get crushed! I mean, I'd lose the game, ya know? No thanks."
Do we even hold CHRIST's name to that much greatness? With that much honor? Do we put His name on that much of a pedestal so much higher than any sports team or any man? Do we RESPECT the name enough to be fearful of the consequences of failing that name? Not that we shouldn't try... but do we even think about it??
But the crazy thing is that God ALLOWS us to put on His name anyway! And He says "Ok, you can CALL yourself a Christian, but do NOT take it lighty." That's what is MEANS when then Bible says "Do not use the Lord's name in VAIN". Most of us believe that that means not to SAY God's name in vain... which yeah, I believe it means that, too... but to TAKE God's name in vain... to PUT ON the name "CHRISTIAN" and take it LIGHTLY... and not do EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to not SLANDER His name... not to mess up God's reputation... THAT is what He's talking about here!
Isaiah 48:9-11
[God's talking here] 9 For my own name's sake I delay my wrath; for the sake of my praise I hold it back from you, so as not to cut you off.
10 See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
11 For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another.
God's name is glorious, amazing, HUGE, powerful, and NOT to be messed with.
How am I living my life as to not defame the one and only God of the universe?
For God's sake I live my life dead to myself, living in Him.
Some Peekchores So I went to the Grand Canyon about a month ago... took a lot of pictures with my cruddy point and shoot camera... here are some I liked. Boy I can't wait till I get my D80 =) haha. They're all unedited... haven't had time to photoshop yet. Click on them for the a bigger size!
Walking on the road by myself at 5:30am to see the sunrise!
The path to the canyon edge
The sunrise!
The sunset the previous day... not a great picture, but kinda drawn to it for some reason.
This one actuallymight be my favorite... I was surprised I could focus on the flower with my dumb camera.
The Joshua Tree? haha
So I was sitting on the cliff of the canyon... where if I look down it's like a few hundred feet straight drop... and I had my Bible so I tried my hand at this... it didn't turn out that well.
